From my own past experience of being emotionally and mentally manipulated, I learned that there are certain things that seriously can hurt when you’re in the healing stage. Here’s the top five things from my list not to say or do to an emotional abuse victim. This list by far does not cover every item that may have a deeper meaning to an abuse victim, nor does it boast of being relevant to all. Each person is different and each situation is too. Even now something may bother me when a stranger does it but not when a close friend I trust does it.
1. Never say “it was your fault.” It is not their fault. True, maybe they should have never dated that person or put themselves in a certain situation. But the abuser ultimately made the decision to exert negative power. If you think the victim is faking/lying, investigate in a different way. Don’t confront them with the statement that it wasn’t their fault.
2. Don’t say or do anything that subtly suggests it’s the victim’s fault. This includes all those “if you’d only,” “if you’d listened to me,” “I always knew there was something strange about them.” These are not helpful. They suggest that you are wiser and smarter and that the abused was too stupid or stubborn to escape. This may be the case but is there any reason to point it out? Most probably no one will ever know what walking in her/his exact pair of shoes feels like. There’s a chance that all of us might have done the same thing under those same circumstances.
3. Don’t touch without permission. This seems like common sense but surprisingly many people aren’t aware of it. I can’t tell you how many guys just assumed they got a hug too just because I was hugging my girlfriends or the one guy in a group I was close to. I know none of them knew the flashbacks that I was fighting back as I gulped and smiled because I didn’t want to make a scene. Some might be think, “Heck! Just say something firmly and politely and don’t give them a hug, idiot.” But when you’ve been through mental or emotional trauma figuring out how to say things firmly and politely in the flash of a second does not come easily. The more realistic reaction for the recovering one is to go blank and/or call themselves an idiot for panicking or having flashbacks. So just be nice and ask before you touch, please?
4. Don’t belittle the little quirks. Ok, I understand it’s weird that the song “Burning Red” still brings tears to my eyes. But it does. I understand that when you’re out of funds and you have no car you should be grateful for any ride you can get. But I’m still gun shy. I understand passing down a certain street shouldn’t be a victory in strength, but it is. It’s called healing and moving on. It takes awhile.
5. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes we act a little oddly. Doesn’t everyone? But seriously, sometimes we do. The words get stuck in our throat. In frustration at our inability to explain we may push you away when we really just want you to hold us. Sometimes the words do come out, but they come out wrong. They hurt you when we only meant to express our own pain. Sometimes you hear blame when we’re just trying to make sense of the confusion. Don’t take it personally. This is not about you. It’s about the abused and the abuser. It’s about a broken soul trying to make sense of something that never should have happened and move on with life. It’s a messy process. Sometimes we get things really wrong and sometimes what looks like a small victory outwardly is really a huge thing inwardly.
Thanks for listening. That’s the biggest thing you can do – listen. And hold us if we want it.